Parental loneliness

According to several research studies the vast majority of young mothers have feelings of loneliness sometimes and nearly half feel lonely all the time. In the US the surgeon general has declared that loneliness has now become an ‘epidemic’. Parental loneliness tends to be affecting more women as in most partnerships the father will be the main income generator going back to full-time work after a few weeks of leave.

For many women the shift from from full-time work or career to staying at home alone with a little baby for many hours a day is a very big shift in lifestyle and identity. One study found that more than a third of new mothers in the UK spend eight hours a day alone with their babies. That can be a real shock. All of a sudden you switch from talking and socialising with adults during the day to doing baby talk, feeding and permanently changing nappies. In addition, there is the hormonal change a mother’s body goes through.
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The other aspect is our current focus on ‘intense’ parenting where children get much more parental attention than in previous generations and become the only focus of the family life.  Mothers today spend twice as much time looking after their children every day compared with in the 1950s, while also working more. With so much time and effort spend on caring for your child there is also an expectation to do the best for your child all the time. This internal mental demand can become overwhelming and can make many mothers ashamed as they feel their parenting efforts are insufficient.

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Sitting alone at home with your baby for most hours of the day is a relatively new phenomena of the individualistic society of the West that emerged in 20th century. In previous times young mothers were surrounded by other parts of the family and community. You still find this in many more tribal and traditional societies around the world. We are not evolutionary designed to sit isolated at home with our children.

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Isolation is a serious mental health concern as it can quickly lead to long-term depression. Some scientists have compared the effect of loneliness on our health with smoking 15 cigarettes a day. While some form of loneliness in particular for mothers is inevitable in our current society there are things you can do to better cope with and manage the longer alone time with your baby.

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The fist step is to admit and acknowledge that your first months of parenthood will be a big change and involve much more alone time. This does not have to be bad because having some alone time is actually good for us. It is also an opportunity to adapt to the shift in your identity from a working female to at home mother. After a year most women return to some type of work although mainly part-time.

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You also need to remind yourself that your loneliness is quite common and that the vast majority of young mothers experience it. Following from this is the need to communicate and connect with others. Talking about your feelings to others is therapeutic and will make you feel less isolated. Talk to your partner, your family, friends and self-help groups. Have every day an interaction with one of them. Technology enables us to connect with others at a convenient time for everybody. However, use technology wisely.  Scrolling for hours through social media can have the opposite effect and make you feel more lonely and isolated.

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