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Self-care

Try these self-care tips for new parents.

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You’ve probably heard this advice: Take care of yourself if you want to be the best parent for your child. While that advice might sound good in theory, you might wonder how on earth you could care for yourself when your baby is your number one priority right now. Is that even possible? You probably forgot the last time you showered, let alone practiced self-care. Do you even have the time to do it?

Quite often, we can lose the sense of who we are as we go through the experience of pregnancy and the birth of a newborn baby. You might have mixed feelings about no longer being pregnant, your birth experience, your baby and your new role as a parent. For moms, you might also feel differently about how you look and your body’s changes. It can be an immensely overwhelming experience.

Especially for first-time parents, coming home with your new baby is an adjustment. In this case, you may find that you’re anxious about your ability to care for your baby. You may also be concerned about obtaining less income if one of you stays home with your baby, or you’re worried about spending less time on other activities and relationships. These are all valid and normal concerns of a new parent. Taking care of your baby on top of the changes in your emotions and sleep patterns could take a toll on your mental and physical health.

Practising self-care as new parents begin with the belief that self-care is essential and something that you deserve. We’ve been taught that putting our child’s needs in front of our own needs is actually preferred; in fact, it’s what makes us a good parent, some might say. But, taking care of your physical, mental and emotional well-being isn’t just something nice to add to your neverending to-do lists. It’s actually critical for your overall health.

If all you do is to give, give, and give, you’re likely to experience burnout which can adversely affect your health. If you think burnout is exclusively limited to work-related issues, you’ve got it wrong. It’s proven by research that neglecting your own needs has negative consequences for you and your baby. Without adequate breaks and time to breathe, parents can experience parental burnout.

Parental burnout leads to harmful consequences for children. Among the most shocking effect of parental burnout includes being emotionally distant from your baby, indulging in escape ideation, engaging in some form of parental neglect and experiencing severe emotional exhaustion.

According to a study published in Clinical Psychological Science, the researchers concur that “whatever allows parents to recharge their batteries, avoid exhaustion, is good for children.” So, are you convinced yet that adding some form of self-care into your life should be non-negotiable? Keeping yourself happy and healthy will allow you to give the best care possible for your baby. Remember, your needs matter too.

Self-care is important; you get it. But, what should you do to accomplish it?

The first thing that you have to do is to be kind to yourself. Caring for a new baby is a lot of work, and no new parent has all of the answers– and that’s okay. Remember, you can learn as you go. Take your time to enjoy and get to know your baby. Your smile, voice, facial expressions and gentle touch will help you build the connection needed to develop a healthy attachment with your little one. You fed, cuddled and clothed your baby today, and the house didn’t burn down? You’re doing great.

Good nutrition keeps your energy level up and boosts your overall mood. Your nutrition is vital, especially if you’re breastfeeding and your body needs the extra fuel. So, go easy on the sugar and ensure that you get plenty of iron, protein and omega-3s. You should also try to limit your caffeine intake to the first part of the day. One way to maintain a healthy eating habit is to stock up on healthy snacks and fill your freezer with your favourite good-for-you meals. Eating healthy doesn’t mean bland food. There are tons of healthy recipes that you can find on the internet. Alternatively, you could also take full advantage of the delivery options out there.

Exercise. Yes, although you’ve just become a new parent, getting regular exercise is a form of self-care. As you may know, exercising keeps you healthy, improve your mood, helps you get better sleep and with the added bonus of helping to manage your weight – everything a new parent needs. You have multiple options when it comes to exercising. Firstly, you could find a way to exercise with your baby, like a mommy-and-me yoga class or baby boot camp. Secondly, you could ask your partner to take care of the baby while you exercise. Another option is to check if your local gym offers child care.

Again, there is a common notion among new parents that spending time for yourself when you have a child is an act of selfishness. This is completely untrue. Sadly, some people will continue to spread the message that doing things for yourself is considered self-centred or greedy. But, you’ve got to ignore these people and seek out supportive people who understand the struggles of new parenthood. Even if it’s just for a short time; do something that you enjoy, such as soaking in a hot tub or reading your favourite novel. You’ll feel refreshed and ready to take on your next challenge.

Let others help you. Now isn’t the time for independence. Your partner, family and friends are there for you and care about you. If they want to be helpful, it’s okay to accept their help. It’s also completely okay to ask others for help if you feel overwhelmed. Also, it’s important to be specific about what you need. Do you need them to do the grocery? Hand them your grocery list. If you need them to fold the laundry, tell them. And remember, they might not do things exactly like you would but don’t let the little things stress you out.

Self-care doesn’t necessarily mean devoting hours to yourself everyday or taking an extended vacation. That sort of thing is out of reach for the majority of typical parents, especially with a newborn baby in the picture. But, that doesn’t mean you should disregard your self-care altogether. Even just spending 10 to 15 minutes per day can be life-changing. The key is to do something you find enjoyable and do it consistently.

Your mood changes, anxiousness and worries will not last forever. Over time, you’ll feel more confident in your abilities to take care of your baby and family. Until you do, don’t forget to incorporate self-care into your day-to-day life as a new parent. You’ll eventually feel more like yourself again. Heck, you might be surprised at what you can accomplish if you start to care for your mental and physical health.


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Pareful - Mindful Relationships

Don’t stop talking to each other.

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Welcoming a child, particularly your first, is a life changing event. You brace yourself for the sleepless nights, for the nappies, for the seemingly endless feeding and the sheer mind-bending realisation that you, yes you, are now responsible for another human life. Yet how many of us truly factor in the effect it might have on our relationship with our partner. This is something we can overlook, or worse, take for granted. Having a child triangulates your relationship, it’s no longer just the two of you anymore. It’s good to be mindful of this – and each other. 

First of all, congrats. You got through labour, brought your baby safely into the world and those first few days when you bring your baby home are incredibly special. You are a team and a tremendous source of support for each other, a time you’ll look back upon and cherish, as though you existed in your own universe. And then either one of you might have to return to work and slowly reality bites throwing up tensions that may not have been there before.

Perhaps if you’re night feeding you’re sleeping in separate beds and feeling that little more distant from each other. Or you’re finding days alone with a baby quite isolating and craving adult company. These are all normal feelings to have. A baby brings a new dynamic to your relationship, sparking a constant ebb and flow of thoughts about what you feel is equitable and who gets to do what. Do you feel you’re doing more than your partner? If so, why?

The solution to this mental wrangling is terribly simple, but it also requires effort. You must never stop communicating. Talk to each other. Don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations. Maybe your partner returns home from work, exhausted, slumps on the sofa and turns on the TV, meanwhile, you’ve spent all day with a baby and you’re desperate for a conversation – for news of the outside world! Or the baby cries at night and you find you’re always the one who is waking up and getting out of bed. You feel annoyed, resentful even. Don’t suffer in silence. Burying these feelings of resentment will only lead to more tension.

Partners are not mind readers and as best you can, you need to voice how you are feeling – the positive along with the negative. If the other person in your relationship is unaware of how you feel, how can they change their behaviour accordingly? Quite often, partners who are not the primary carer can feel left out, envious almost of the attention a new baby demands. You may find you both have feelings that need to be addressed.

Making more time for each other is easier said than done when you have an infant that consumes ninety percent of your day. But the thoughtfulness of a simple gesture can go a long way. A cup of tea brought to you in bed, a five minute catch up with each other over said tea, or a delicious home prepared meal, the ease of a takeaway, the escapism of a boxset you’re both obsessed with. Find the little things that matter and make space for them in your lives.

And when you’re able, never underestimate the life changing magic of a babysitter and the opportunity to leave the house to dine out with your beau, a deux. Yes, it can be a wrench to leave the baby, and always, it’s easier to stay in, but investing time in each other will only make your relationship stronger. Like anything left untended, if you don’t, it will deteriorate.

Physical intimacy can be difficult after giving birth and suffering the effects of sleep deprivation, patience and understanding may be required here, particularly if it was a difficult birth. Your partner may be feeling low self-esteem. Be compassionate to each of your needs. Any time you feel a hint of resentfulness you must consider why and what you can do to rid yourself of it. Parenting should not be a daily tug of war. There is always a better way of doing things.

You might also find that other relationships are affected; perhaps those with your own parents and friends, where expectations may need to be managed. Again, no-one is a mind reader. Don’t be afraid to talk. Honest communication is how you grow into parenthood and cement strong relationships with all of your loved ones.

Single parents, we see you.

Of course, not all parenting is done in a relationship and if you’re a single parent either by choice or circumstance, a new baby will no lesser effect your relationships with friends, family and exes. Above all, the individuals within these relationships need to recognise that things are different now for you, that your priorities have changed; your child comes first. You may relish this or you may feel the immense pressure that comes with this responsibility, but take heart from the many studies that have shown the incredible bond forged between a single parent and child. A small study comparing single mothers to couples reported ‘closer, warmer relationships between the single mother and child.’

To say that single parenting is intense seems to be the understatement of the century, but it’s important to remember, according to a prominent developmental psychologist, that ‘attachment is not a zero-sum game. If you’re securely attached to one adult, it doesn’t leave less security for you to invest in another,’ which is important for both you and your child to take forward into new relationships you might make.

As one mother wrote in a New York Times article, penned to celebrate the incredible relationship she enjoyed as a single parent with her son and musing whether single parents have stronger bonds with their children, ‘Solo caregivers have it so tough, it seems only fair they at least get this small mercy.’


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